Congratulations, you're as useful as VD.

Today I was on my annual "what mobile phone deal can I get" shopping trip when I had the misfortune to walk into Phones 4 U. The first thing that happened once I had set foot into retail space was that someone asked me if I needed any help. Seeing as I knew exactly what I was after I thought I would take him up on the offer and save myself browsing time. "Actually", I replied "I'm looking for a PDA phone."

Silence.

"Oh" he managed after going through every PDA acronym he knew before realising he didn't know what 'acronym' stood for "I'll just go and ask someone"

and somehow it went downhill from there.

Now, I work in a ski and snowboard shop. I know little about ski's and snowboards. This is why I don't go up to people and ask them if they want help. What use am I? None.
Asking if I wanted help would imply that he could be of help to me. So why oh why when I told him what I wanted, did he look stunned. It's a PDA mate, you sell them, it's a type of mobile phone, I'm stood in a mobile phone shop, do the math.

So he went and got someone else and they got me sat down in "buyers corner", a subtle technique to make me feel compelled to buy which washed over me in exactly the same way his stinking cologne didn't, and they showed me the only PDA phone they sold.

Now I had done a mornings research on the internet to make sure I knew what I was after. I knew the particular model they showed me could not be used to access the internet in the way I needed it to. It was around this point that I thought I would play along and hopefully glean some information out of these people that I didn't already possess.
I asked if the phone could be used to access the internet. The guy, and I wish I was kidding here, turned the phone around in his hands, saw a button with a little arrow or globe on it or something and then informed me that it could indeed be used to access the internet. Well blow me away, it has a shortcut button on it. That answers all my questions straight away. I asked if they knew anything of the "walled garden" internet access as it is sloppily named, they did not. I explained that it could not be used for normal browsing, they seemed surprised. There was a man stood slightly away from us taking notes on a clip board. I had embarrassed the sales staff, they would have their revenge.

I went on to explain that I simply would not in any way be buying a phone unless I could get a full size keyboard to accompany it for text input. I know for a fact that you can buy these off the internet. The sales gang -there were now three of them- went on to explain that I could use the stylus provided to enter text and so I wouldn't need a keyboard. I explained that I would be producing Word documents and so I needed a keyboard as I could touch type and it would make it faster.

"You can input text really fast with the stylus though, it has a special input method to speed it up"
"Yes, but I can touch type so would prefer a keyboard."
"It's faster using a stylus than it is with a phone though."
"But I can touch type."
"Honestly you wouldn't believe how fast you can get."

Then it hit me. He didn't know what touch typing was. He imagined me sitting there with my mobile frantically bashing away with one thumb and he though that was what I meant.
Oh poor confused soul.

I asked if they stocked any keyboards but unfortunately they didn't.

"The only one that will work with this phone is not being released till next March."
"What about the one I could have bought off Amazon this morning?"

Silence.

Finally somebody asks me exactly why I want a PDA phone and separate keyboard. I explain and he looks at me, weighing his options.

He takes me slightly away from the others and gives me the heart to heart.

"It sounds to me mate, like you'd be better off with a laptop."
For the nth time I explain how I don't want a laptop as I need something small and portable.
"You can get them pretty small these days though."
"Yeah, but they cost a couple of thousand pounds."
"Small though."

Brilliant. No other word could describe it. I walk into a shop, am greeted by ignorance, lied to, and then told I should go somewhere else and spend a couple of thousand pounds to overcome my problem.

I have come to the conclusion that the Phones 4 U advert is not filmed in some backwards part of Kentucky, so much as in Birmingham, at the Phones 4 U annual staff party.

Needless to say, I shall never again be setting foot into any of their stores.

Luckily though, since last time we met, there have been happy times also. Times that I can look back on and smile. I was talking to a friend from uni last night, she went to the theatre to watch Chicago, I went to watch Joseph. Although this tragically highlighted the class difference between us, it only brought a grin to my face as I cast my mind back. Since Chris has already written about the night, I shall point you there.

And remember people, "It takes a man who knows no fear, to wrestle, with a goat."

You wanna buy some Skunk?

Was not a question I was expecting as I walked into Gap today. However, it would seem that buying drugs in my city centre is now simply a matter of walking around and looking like the type of person that would buy drugs. Unfortunately, if I was going to buy drugs would I really buy it off some random scabby guy that accosts me in the street? It would seem so much more logical that this guy should concentrate his efforts on the literal crowds of urban scum that accumulate like brown froth on shallow streams, rather than any old uber-dude that just happens to be walking by.

However, being the type of person that sells drugs in the street probably rules him out of being able to make these kind of informed decisions about society. That coupled with my blatant disregard for clothes that look like they were made to fit, hair so outrageously out of control that I'm seriously considering wearing a beanie to the gym, and a friend who look like he probably does use drugs on a regular basis, and I can kind of see where the poor chap was coming from.

Needless to say, I did not purchase any of this mans questionable-in-quality skunk and busied myself with distracting the manager of Gap from doing his job properly by trying on any item to hand and organising a "Welcome to the city" outing with him.

It was while in Gap, distracting the manager, not buying drugs, that I was remind of something that happened almost exactly three years ago. I was out shopping for a friends birthday and we decided we would get this ace stuffed monkey we had seen.

As a side note, this was not during the big ITV monkey saga, it was not the ITV monkey, the ITV monkey and this story, no relevance hold.

It was dressed in a bright yellow mak and hat which we thought were a bit lame so we decided to take it to Gap and get it some nice clobber. We entered the shop, went upstairs to the Baby Gap section and flagged the attention of a nice girl on sales.
The conversation went as close as matters to the following.

Hi, I think we're going to need a bit of help here.

OK, how old is the baby that you are buying for.

Well, it's not so much of a baby. . . . as we need you to dress this monkey.

(Wardy pulls the monkey from the bag with all the pride that a monkey can be pulled out of a bag with)

Oh.

Yeah.

True to form though she pulled through and we bought some tiny trousers and a tiny top. The monkey looked ace, the present was well received and another birthday went down a storm.

Remembering that made me wish I had started this blog when I was 15. So much stuff has happened that I have forgotten about. I know that most of it is lost forever so it's always nice to get things like this down so I can look back in years to come.

Saying that , the university dialogue is coming along nicely and if anyone reading this was at uni with me and can think of something memorable that happened, then mail me and I'll be sure to include it.

Theatre tomorrow, I'll let you know how it goes.

Skunkless Wardy out.

Is it wrong to laugh on my own?

I have been sat here today in hysterics. I'm writing about my time at university and I was sat giggling to myself like a little girl as I typed away. It was the little things in the big things that made me laugh. For example, it wasn't so much the practical joke I was writing about that made me laugh, so much as the look on my housemates face when he watched me throw a bag of flour out the window. Just remembering how hard I was laughing on that day made me crack up all over again. I can still see Olly now, a look of complete astonishment on his face. Torn between laughing out loud, and being so astonished that he couldn't laugh.
Good times.

This is my first day off since graduation and it has been nice to just sit and write. I cant believe how hard I used to find it trying to find another 1000 words to put in an essay when today I just sat and wrote page after page without thinking about it. I really really want a cheap laptop. I think I'm going to go shopping for one with my first pay packet. I don't want anything fancy, just a word processor so I can go out and sit in other places when I write. If I can find one for below £100 then all the better.

Dodgy second hand shops and rip-off merchants, here I come!

Work consumes me.

I really do wish I could update more. There has been a rash of funny stuff happen at work but I'm either in too late to write before I have to get to bed (I'm a bit of a sleep monster) or I'm just plain old knackered and want a nice cup of tea.

I'm going to the theatre this weekend. "Very cultured Wardy." I hear you shout, well it would be if I wasn't going to see Joseph and his amazing technicolor dreamcoat. If there were ever a show to remind me of my childhood this would be it. Car journeys listening to the tape from beginning to end, singing all the words are a memory I will never lose. Neither will I forget that I used to think they sang "And throw the Cheese into the Nile as well." I was young folks, and with a vivid mind. I did use to wonder what cheese had to do with it though.

My snowboarding is slowly improving. I'm only falling on my ass every other run now. I'm sure within a matter of months I'll be popping a 340 hang rail goofy backside grab thing on the merest of whims.

While I have written about a number of things over the time this blog has been up and running, never in a week have I had such a diverse range of people visit. I'm glad that I'm attracting attention, it's just that the sort of attention I'm attracting isn't always what I would expect.

If you are the company that you keep, I think I need to evaluate my life.

Decide for yourself which worse, the Geek (1st) , or the Freak (8th).

Laters.

You may remember this post. Yeah I was on my soap-box, and with good reason too. The guy in question left for Afghanistan today. He's going back out after the country nearly took his life.

I used to think I was fairly brave. Now, I'm not so sure. It takes a whole different kind of courage to stand up and walk back towards a situation that almost killed you.

He is a Christian in the way that men should be.

Stay safe Tom.

Wardy Fireball BSc.

It's over.
I've graduated.
Another part of my life is behind me. All I have left is memory and friends.

All I have left, is more than enough.

It's my birthday . . . .yesterday.

I'm now yet another year older. Yesterday I turned 24 to the rapturous applause of myself. Now I'm getting old (ha) I think I should start setting definite goals for myself. Last year for me was all about graduating. Now I'm not at uni I don't really have anything to aim towards. I no longer have a big 'goal' in life. It should be my career, but hey, I don't even know what I want that to be. So instead of being some target that I can only achieve through brown nosing my way to the top in some dead end job I don't even want, my targets are going to be personal. They will be targets that I can achieve through just putting my mind to it, and getting on and doing them. Because of this they will be goals about me, they will not be goals about 'things'. For example, I was going to have "leave the country" on this list but I could walk down the street and book a ticket to anywhere. There is no process involved. These goals have to be about personal achievement, not materialistic gain.

And so, my targets are as follows.

- Be able to do the splits.
- Be able to do 10 one legged squats on each leg.
- Be able to do 5 one arm pushups on each arm.
- Be able to play the blues on the piano.
- Stop picking my nails.
- Write at least one of those things I've always said I should write.

There you go. So easy to write, so dastardly to accomplish!

The first three are physical goals. Now I've stopped trying to put weight on I've kinda slipped from going to the gym. I'm resigned that I'll never be the big, so I figure I should try and be strong instead. As for the splits, well I just think it's be cool to be able to do that!

The next is a skill. I love listening to music and have dabbled with playing instruments in the past. I have a bit of a soft spot for the piano so I'm gonna give it a go. 12-bar boogie here we come!

The next is personal. I have a horrid habbit of picking my nails. I just can't stop myself from doing it. I cannot remember a time when I didn't do it but it's getting annoying now. I constantly have really ratty, nasty nails. I'm almost embarrassed to let people see my hands. This has to end.

The last one is emotional. I've had something I've wanted to write going round my head for a while now. I even started it once but never got very far. I would love to just take myself away for a week to somewhere secluded and get it out my system. Just me, a laptop and nice whisky.


So this time next year I'll check back and see if I managed any of them.

I'm hoping this list will help me regain the motivation I seem to have lost over the past months. If I have something to work towards it should kick start me into life.
I want my spark back.

Too tired.

To write much. This is why.

Just time to say, apologies to the guy who found my site through this search. Denied.

I'm going to start running in a morning before work. Not going to the gym is making me feel all lethargic, I can almost feel my fitness levels dropping. Hopefully the painfully early mornings will become second nature to me soon and I wont dread them as much.

You may also remember the Piano vs Guitar problem that I was musing over before. Well today I bought myself a book on playing the piano, I'm going to use my evenings for something more constructive than watching telly.
One of my workmates is giving me a snowboarding lesson tomorrow too so in a couple of months I should have a two more skills to add to my repertoire.

Tired, so very tired.

Wardy out.

Captain Ronald Brown.

My entire blog entry for the last week has just paled into insignificance after seeing this picture of Ron on the internet. Coupled with the e-mail I just got off him I have been sat here laughing my ass off.
Ron is a bandit who fully bailed on me to go on the worlds most spectacular holiday leaving me in England having to catch busses in the freezing cold and work eleven hour days.
He also got me pushed in a canal because he's too stupid to react fast.

I say these things because I'm jealous.

PS. Ron once vomited on his pillow because he didn't lean far enough out his window to be sick while drunk. This is the type of person that is protecting our environment.

Start worrying,
,
,
,
now.