I attended one of your lectures the other day. I'm very honoured that you took so much time out of your life to lecture me personally. I'm even more honoured that you would do so outside of you work time, and give me a lecture right there in the bar, only moments after we have met.
I'm surprised you knew so much about me, what with us having being complete strangers till only moments before, but I suppose someone in your position must make it his business to know about the lives of others. You must have done a lot of research, I'm guessing you've got a really fast internet connection. My brother lives in the sticks and he cant get a fast connection so it's very surprising that you managed to get broadband into your ivory tower. NTL is funny like that.
I was surprised your lecture lasted so long and took on so many areas of my life. From my sex life, to my haircut, to my work ethic. However, while at the time I was enraptured listening to you disseminate my very existence, upon thinking about your argument I have found a couple of areas that I don't fully understand. Please could you could clarify these for me.
With regards to my sex life. I said I was wary of the Thai girls because I didn't want to go home - and I quote - "with crap on my junk".
You then went on to explain how I was small minded to think that all Thai girls had STD's. You told me that I was 100% wrong to think that ALL Thai girls were infected with something.
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I'm sure there are millions of Thai women, pure as the driven snow and cleaner than the Baptists new whistle. However, you took what I said out of context. You see, we were stood in a bar surrounded by Thai hookers. Girls whose job it is - believe it or not - is to sleep with men for money. I'm sorry if I misled you. I'm sure you were not aware of these girls occupation, for surely if you had then it would have been them, and not me, who would have been receiving such an insightful and interesting lecture on how to live their life.
My apologies for this slight indiscretion. I wrongly assumed that you would have picked up on the insinuation that the girls I were talking about were prostitutes. I suppose late night drinking in an area known for its sex tourism, in a bar full of young ladies trying to find a man for the night, was too subtle a clue as to my meaning. Next time, much like yourself, I will try to be more concise.
I was also unaware that you had done so much research on the spread of Aids through South East Asia. I had only studied this particular disease on and off for three years while earning my degree. I'm sure your two months in the area and hands on experience much better enables you to quote figures and statistics to back up your claim. I am somewhat disappointed with my university degree however. For the figures you were quoting almost seemed plucked out of thin air, if I did not trust your judgement so earnestly I would have thought them wildly inaccurate and made up on the spur of the moment to help prop up your sterling, thought provoking and entirely researched based view of the situation.
Thanks to you I now see the error of my ways. Of course I could sleep with a girl back home and still catch some of the diseases that are so rife over here. I could catch skin cancer is England also, but the chances of me getting it over here are so much higher that I take extra precautions when I go out. Do you see the parallel. If you don't it is probably my fault for not understanding what you were saying properly and once again I apologise. Maybe you explained this better in your sub-speech about going on holiday in Europe. I must admit, I understood little of what you meant during this informative tirade. No, I don't view South East Asian prostitutes and European girls as equal risks. I fear I missed your point. There were so many of them maybe I concentrated too hard on the less important ones. Next time could you berate me with bullet points placed in order of severity so I can study better at home how small minded I am.
Moving away from this issue, though I would very much like to linger on it and make my point multiple times using the same argument, wording and emphasis - see, I was listening - I would like to talk about my hair.
I momentarily had dreadlocks. This much is true. But no, I was never part of the Rastafarian religion. Surprisingly I actually had heard of Rastafarians, don't worry, I didn't feel patronised, it was nice to have their existence verified for my by someone of your intelligence. I can't deny that sometimes I didn't doubt a little and thought they may have been make believe, or maybe even a branch of the Leprechaun family.
I know you felt it was slightly hypocritical of me to have dreadlocks and not be a part of their movement, but no, I do not feel like I was disrespecting their religion. I'm almost entirely sure this was you making a joke, I mean would you say I was disrespecting Buddhists if I shaved my head. You teaser you!
You also had some fabulous insights into my future work. Joining the Navy, although I'm sure a worthy choice, is not really my cup of tea. Oh and yes, of course I've heard of the Royal Navy, _chortle_, I'm very glad you made sure I'd heard of the Navy before you went on to talk of them in further detail. You see, sometimes when people talk about the Royal Navy I think they are talking about a very rich and dark shade of the colour blue. How embarrassing it would have been for you to talk Navy at me for twenty minutes, and all the time I'd have been thinking you just spent a part of your life training to be a popular colour for mens wool jumpers!
Unfortunately at some point your little lesson in life had to come to an end. I'm only sorry I couldn't have talked to you for longer. The time we did spend together was so interesting it seemed to last forever, surely the sign of a good talker.
I thank you for pointing out the folly of my ways. I shall try to reform and be a better person in the future.
Also, thank you for taking such an active interest in my life and the way I live it. It was almost as if you really cared what type of person I was, and will end up being. Putting me back on the straight and narrow and following your advice will surely help me form myself into a valuable member of society. Your unparalleled interest in my opinions and ways of life was invaluable. Never before has a complete stranger taken such a keen interest in me, and so meticulously picked me apart like a wiser, more intelligent and morally superior vulture. Many people would have left that situation feeling belittled, patronised and stupid. I'm constantly surprised I even managed to look at myself in the mirror this morning, what with me being such an inferior and misguided individual. And all those little digs and snide remarks that were throw in under the radar, oh how I would be a complete mess this morning if I had noticed them.
Lucky for me then that I met you.
And luckier still that I don't understand sarcasm.
And heaven forbid, and mean really forbid, that I should have a solid grasp of being subtle myself.