Setting off on Thursday I was expecting to be able to just kick back and relax. I thought this trip would chill me out. I was hoping for a nice sit down in the country, a couple of red wines by the open fire, intellectual conversation and a general feeling of well being.
Boy, was I disappointed.
It all started in Loughborough (pronounced Luffburra for the American contingent). Katie and I stopped off at Safeways to get some drinks in. As we were leaving the shop we were presented with a display of child-parent trust that would change my entire outlook of the weekend.
They were dawdling. Nobody likes being stuck behind dawdlers. As we ever so slowly followed Gran, Mum and Kid out the automatic doors my mind was on the car journey ahead of us. Mum was holding Kids hand. They approached the doors. The Kid was looking forwards. He was looking forwards. He was looking forwards. He just walked plain as day into a wall.
Just like that. Wham!
Don't laugh Wardy. Crap, Katies gonna laugh. Look away. How did he not see the wall?? Parents are Very close by, for the love of God don't laugh! Walk away, walk away from the parents and walk away from Katie. Katie is giggling, walk away from her, walk anywhere but just walk and don't laugh!
Don't laugh Wardy!
This poor kid was led directly into a wall by his mom. They were holding hands and I'm guessing that the Kid wasn't leading. I will never know how neither of them saw this collision coming. Yet for a good 10 meters the impact was inevitable and neither of them tried to rectify the situation. Wham!
From that moment, my relaxing weekend away was changed from the calm tempered, red wine sipping, open fire stoking, fresh air breathing experience I was hoping for, into a riotous four days. Not a day passed in which I did not laugh with all my breath. It was a far better break than I could have hoped for.
Here of a select few of the highlights.
Dawn.
We stopped at a service station on the way down for a pick-me-up coffee. As we went to pay for the goods we were met with a suspiciously jolly Brummie. You know the type, the ones that overcompensate for hating their jobs by being everything and more management want them to be in the vain hope they will get promoted and no longer have to serve rude business types their complicated coffee orders while fending off advances from the 'chef' who works behind the hot sausage rolls and pies counter.
I digress.
Dawn was obviously a woman. I mean no disrespect by this. Just to clarify that even from a distance, you would assume she was a woman. There was no doubt in my mind that Dawn was a woman.
I went to pay for our coffees and was presented with a grin as wide as her midlands accent was annoying.
"€œMy names not Michael."
- Cue me, stood, looking shocked.
- Still looking shocked.
- Trying to think of something to say.
- Feeling helpless.
"Oh, did you forget your name badge and had to wear another one then?" cue nervous laughter.
"No."
"My names not Michael."
- Cue me, just stood there. Lost for words.
- Still stood.
- Waiting to pay for coffee.
- I'm confused too now.
"Oh, how much is the coffee?"
- Clever, just ignore her, pay for the coffee and get the hell away.
"It's £3.60. But if they ask, my names not Michael."
- If WHO ask. The doctors?
- What does this woman want of me. Give me my coffee and let me go. I thought the motorways were meant to be the safest way to travel by car. Apparently they didn't take service stations into account.
"On the receipt, it says I'm called Michael, but I'm not. I've borrowed someone's card."
- Finally I understand. On the receipt, which she has not yet given me, it will say I was served by Michael, not Dawn. I will look at this receipt for all the time it takes to put it in my pocket, which I can't do because she is yet to give it me.
Instead of just telling me to ignore the name on the receipt, which I can image would be important for one in a couple of hundred thousand people, she just sends out crazy signals and expects me to join dots that I don't even know exist.
My names not Michael.
That's great love, but instead of playing impossi-puzzles with you can I just pay for my drinks and be on my way. Guessing an unimportant error on a piece of paper I wont look at, before you have even given it to me, was not on my top ten list today.
I blame the businessmen for turning normal workers into this.
The Jolly Locals.
I went into the local video store to buy a Scart adaptor. The guy who served us was the single most cheery man I have met. He could not have been happier to see us. He was delighted that he had what we were looking for. He was over the moon that we were buying something. He was overjoyed that we had nearly the right money. He was ecstatic that were happy customers. He was great.
Then I had to have an obligatory look in the charity shops. We found some funny stuff to buy, it came to the earth shattering total of 50p. At the counter the lovely dear couldn't quite get her head around us trying to give her a full pound, when it only came to 50p. She kept on counting the coins as if to clarify to herself that we had given her too much. She insisted we didn't have to. We assured her it was no bother. She looked so surprised it made it all worthwhile.
There is more to tell about the weekend, including "Cheating at board games, Why girls shouldn't try" and "My train carriage is flooding, how nice."
But before this post gets too long to be interesting I'm going to end it.
More tomorrow.
ps - apologies to Dawn. I try to avoid being directly rude about people but the title of this post made me laugh. sorry lass.