I'm ill. Have been for way too long. And the maid service seems to have forgotten about me. My stomach is more jumpy than the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan; my digestive tract less reliable than sealing a deal with Jeramy Beadle by shaking his 'bad' hand; and the drugs I am taking are less help than putting "Tested experimental mind altering drugs" on your CV.
Oh hang on . . . .
Because of this enforced proximity to sanitary features I have to endure, I've been spending a lot of the days watching telly. I tried to read but it gave me a headache and as we all know, you don't need to use your brain to watch telly.
So I've started getting into Alias. (jealous lads, fnar fnar!!) To start with I had no idea what was going on.
Why is she working for two different groups, why is she repeatedly meeting that guy in a warehouse, is she on the same side as her dad, why are they badmouthing Sloane when they work for him, who is good, who is bad, when is the next costume change???
Finally I managed to work it out, (although Sark still eludes me, maybe I need to watch more) and I must say, I try to watch it every day now. But the place that it falls down for me is the computers. But not just this show, any show that has people use computers and I find myself wanting to scream. CSI is another prime example. When people on television use computers they don't use them properly. Sure, they may look like they can do all sorts of fancy stuff . . .
- I want you to enhance this low resolution, grainy, black and white image of a cat, into a photo realistic 3D model of the crime scene, and I want all the culprits identified.
- Sir, that's gonna take some time.
- You have 2 hours.
. . . but they don't use the tools that they have effectively.
Take today's Alias for example. They were all sat around a computer waiting for an e-mail. High drama I know! When the e-mail finally came through the main character went to open it. Lets see the subtle differences between a highly trained CIA double agent, and me, opening an e-mail.
Highly trained CIA double agent.
(both hands move swiftly to keyboard.)
Tap tap tap. Tappity tap. Tap tap tappo. Tap tap tappity tap tap tappity. . . . . Tap.
I've got it.
Me.
(one hand moves to mouse, leaving one hand free to drink coffee and/or use prototype laser weapons)
Click.
I've got it.
Now, can you spot anything here. Don't feel too bad if you cant, it's only subtle.
I know they are most likely using more sophisticated computers and software than I am. They are trying to catch criminals and save the world . . .
- I need you to use our database to cross reference anybody in NewYork who as a child was ever called 'Kiddo or Junior', with airline tickets to American states whose total highway lengths in millimetres is perfectly divisible by 17. Then match these results to the colour Ochre and the flavour of Hubba Bubba.
- Sir, that's gonna take some time.
- You have 2 hours.
. . . but I still think that a mouse would make their lives so much easier.
You could also build useful crime fighting tools into the mice to help save time. A Magic 8 Ball would be a prime example of this.
- In the killing spree now knows as; Ebony and Irony, did Sammy Smith, aka Makeup, the half caste African American who disguised himself as a white man, disguised as a Minstrel, go on a murderous rampage against the black community that adopted him to prove to a white supremacist gang that he was in fact half the man they were.
- Concentrate and ask again.
I need to get a job fighting crime. What with my ideas and other peoples intelligence, logic, aptitude, reasoning, judgement, talent, skill, ability, fearlessness and weapons training, I think I could be a valuable part of the team.